MOLE HUNT: Two words: "wrong team"

London Plane Stupid was infiltrated. Can you guess who it was? We could. Sorry Toby - from the beginning your red Palestinian scarf and baseball cap was doing little to cover up an all-year tan that stank of short breaks in the sun and a relentless hunger to hear about the hardcore action - with a cautious refusal to take any yourself.

What a toe-rag! To take advantage of our unwillingness to exclude new activists, and all because you'd watched one too many spy flicks and think that spying against greenies is what the good guys do. Two words for you Toby: wrong team. We gave you the opportunity to be one of the good guys but you made it clear that your idea of a good time was breaking into trusting affinity groups and betraying the friendship that defines activism.

Toby, you're an idiot. Not only did you waste the evil empire’s time by feeding them fabricated details of made-up actions, but you actually thought the way to create an alter-ego is to to swap your name from Ken Tobias to Toby Kendall and pull on a funky activist scarf! Wise up, wise guy – we weren't hanging on your every word, you were hanging yourself on our's.

Let's face facts: it's time to forget your dreams of a life in MI5 because, be honest, you're not very good this spying lark. You failed to convince two twenty-three year old girls, recently graduated into the activist life; their seasoned activist friends didn’t even need to meet you to know you were phoney. Thanks to your incompetence, 2 million Times readers won’t be hiring you for their security services - and you've probably got the sack.

I feel a little bad though, because despite your self-righteous and entirely hypocritical rant - "I can assure you that I came into the group with a pure heart" - I'd hate to stand in the way of the next James Bond. Have I ruined the prospects of one of the UK's up-and-coming heros? Destroyed one man's crusade against environmentalism? Or have we just uncovered an incompetent idiot playing a role of a concerned citizen – a role that, try as he might, he was never going to fit.