Poisoned chalice: best job in Britain

Here's a poisoned chalice if ever there was one: BAA are looking for a pair of mugs to take on the roles of 'Heads of Corporate Responsibility' at Heathrow and Gatwick airports. Quite apart from being utterly lacking in any kind of scruples, prospective candidates will also need to be profoundly stupid – BAA is one of the most hated companies in the whole of Britain, and the job entails becoming the smiling face of this celebrated nadir of corporate public relations.

The advert for the post gives a taste of the sort of unsavoury activities that lie in store for the successful applicant. Opening with the line "At BAA, we believe that it's possible for the aviation industry to grow sustainably" – a view that is fundamentally at odds with the conclusions of the UK's best climate scientists – the advert goes on to explain that "whilst representing BAA at external meetings with the local community… you will be the face of our corporate responsibility affairs, and a source of expertise to all affected parties and stakeholders." 'Expertise' here means spin, gloss and lies; 'affected parties' means victims, like the millions of Londoners about to gain noisy flight paths over their homes and schools; and 'stakeholders' include the 2,000 villagers who will be forcibly evicted to make way for the third runway. These terms are probably not meant to encompass the 160,000 people already dying because of climate change each year, or the nations of Bangladesh and Tuvalu which are soon to disappear forever under the rising sea; but they should.

But acting as the 'face' of BAA - lying on TV about aviation's environmental impacts; fronting up to angry councillors who have been disenfranchised by corruption in the Department for Transport and staring down little old ladies whose homes you plan to bulldoze – isn't the half of it. "Within BAA, you'll also be charged with leading the Corporate Responsibility vision internally", and developing "strategies and policies" to meet this vision.

Or in other words, your task (when not being pelted with rotten tomatoes at meetings with 'stakeholders') will be to sit at your desk and devise ingenious ways to hoodwink the public over noise pollution and safety, obviate the complaints of communities scheduled for annihilation, bamboozle the EU, local councils and conservation NGOs over damage to the local environment, and generally make 2 + 2 = 0 when you're talking about aviation's contribution to climate change. It's a pretty tall order, even for the kind of unconscionable professional liar who is liable to be attracted to a post that pays this well (£62,000 - £77,000!).

On the plus side, you'll probably also have to fund a sports field or two, implement a carbon offsetting scheme and install solar panels on the luggage carriers, to show that BAA is a caring, sharing sort of company that cares about our planet's future. You could even ban plastic bags from the Terminal 5 shopping centers! Now that would really help reduce the airport's environmental impact.

Anyway, Plane Stupid are sure that one of our supporters must be able to make BAA socially responsible. So we're inviting you all to apply for the job! Don't forget to copy us in to your application as there'll be a prize: one of our new range of T-Shirts, and the winning application will be published on our website.

P.s.: there is a wider point to be made here about the contradiction in terms that is Corporate Social Responsibility, particularly the potential of corporations to be part of the solution to climate change rather than being part of the problem. Corporations, by definition, have only one agenda – profit. If they can see an opportunity to make money out of preventing, or being seen to prevent, climate change, then they may take it; this is why Richard Branson will happily pose with a coconut while spending 3 billion dollars to develop biofuels.

But many steps to reduce emissions will also reduce profits, especially for carbon-intensive sectors like aviation; which is why Branson also lobbies hard, behind the scenes, for further suicidal expansion at Britain's airports, and plots growth in his airline business that will cancel out any meagre savings made by his eco- entrepreneurship many times over. Remember – corporations are only capable of reducing emissions if a) it increases profits, or b) they are forced to do so by regulation. Regulation which Branson and pals fight against tooth and nail.