Football's not coming home

Footballers. Erudite gentlemen, known for their charm, wit and prudence. What the hell am I talking about - they're known primarily for being overpaid primadonnas with irritating perma-tanned partners and whopping carbon footprints.

Not content with creating an entire generation with nothing better to do than pay grannies to sleep with them, the Premier League has decided to out-source some of its games to far-off lands. Premier League chief executive Richard Scudamore told BBC Sport: "I think it's an idea whose time has come. It's an exciting prospect."

Is it? Forgive my cynicism, but what's exciting about half of the UK's male population aspiring to travel thousands of miles by plane to watch Man U play Liverpool in Dubai or Singapore? It's bad enough that every World Cup sees mass hysteria and big profits for the airlines; now we have the prospect of even more emissions. Forgive me for not squealing with anticipation just yet...